The Nizkor Project: Remembering the Holocaust (Shoah)

Shofar FTP Archive File: documents//spoofs/tales-of-hoffman

From Thu Apr 25 15:33:51 PDT 1996
Article: 32648 of alt.revisionism
Newsgroups: alt.revisionism
Subject: REPOST: The Tales of Hoffman, a Comedy
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 1996 13:35:23 GMT
Organization: University of New Brunswick
Lines: 180

This was originally posted in March of 1995.

Just so the newer readers here will get some of the jokes the following 
information should be known:

Ross Vicksell, member of CODOH, former frequent poster.

Dan Gannon was (in)famous across the net for mass spamming of newsgroups 
with transcriptions of articles on Revisionism.

Michael A Hoffman the 2nd (Hoffie^2 to his non-friends) went where Alexander 
Baron has gone since, although Baron is slightly more literate.  Hoffman was 
flogging his denier material all the time.

Ricardo Joshua was one of the more notable stormtroopers-in-diapers,

and finally,

You think the duo of Moran and Giwer is strange?  Think they are the 
nuttiest duo since Ludwig Plutonium and Robert MacElwaine?  Think no one can 
possibly be that dumb?  Think again.  During 1994-1995 Tim "landpost" 
McCarthy blazed a trail across the firmament of a.r. previously unseen and 
that Moran is duplicating.  Among his more notable gaffes was posting a 
train schedule that he claimed showed Jews were simply being sent to the 
East to be resettled when in fact the schedule showed that they were being 
sent towards the *west*, in the direction of the death camps.  Oops.  The 
references in the following article are to Tim's self-proclaimed mastery of 
German, examples of which caused amazement and hysterical laughter amongst 
the native and fluent German speakers and to his contention that people went 
to hockey games in Winnipeg to stare at the large portrait of the Queen in 
the arena.  He frequently, like Giwer, tried to insult Canadians, usually 
by calling them "Queen Lover" or something.

Anyway, enough for the preamble.  On with the show.


A Walk in the Denier Side

(or, I'm a Denier, He's a Denier, Wouldn't You Like to be a Denier

The young man staggered into the hallowed halls of the Institute for
Historical Review and wailed to the assembled Revisionist Scholars,
"I cannot take it anymore!"

His Peer Ricky looked at him curiously.  "What is the problem my

"The anti-revisionists," the boy cried.  "I give the the messages
you have given me and use the techniques perscribed in the holy
Journal of Historical Review but they still make me look like a

"How so?" questioned the Mavin, Raven, wandering over to hear.
(oops.  'mavin' is from Yiddish and Hebrew)

"How so?" questioned the Expert, Raven, wandering over to hear.

"It's not my fault," the boy sobbed.  "They keep asking for facts
and names and dates and documents and they talk of things I cannot
understand like 'convergence of evidence', 'accepted historical
techniques' and 'reference'.  Why did you not warn me?"

Raven sighed.  "We thought someone new would be able to get away
with presenting our points unchallenged.  Although we should have
known better." He motioned toward the figure lurching down the hall,
wearing a Napolean costume, drooling and mumbling incoherently.
"Poor Tim was never the same."

"But I believe in your word but I find myself challenged to do
something which causes a pain in my head."

Cole walked over and shook his head.  "Thinking.  The downfall of
all good believers in revisionism.  I told you, Greg, our selection
process must be refined to eliminate this trait among the faithful.
How about we give them The Leuchter Report to read, and if they
believe that garbage, they pass."

"But the Leuchter Report is real," replied Raven, Ricky and Ross.

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is!" they chorused.

"Not it isn't."

"Yes it is!"



Gannon rushed by at that moment, yelling out for a scanner.  "New
stuff," he yelled, "New stuff I can post and prove that they're all

"What is it?" Cole yelled after him.

"The Leuchter Report!" Gannon yelled back as he entered the copy

Cole slapped his forehead.  "Oy vey," he groaned and looked around.
He saw several dozen pairs of eyes narrowed and staring at him.
"Ah, I mean Mien Gott," he said hastily.

Milton lowered his toy Schmeisser and went back to typing his term

The boy curled up into the fetal position and began to suck his
thumb.  "An 'ey 'ost 'ese 'estions 'a I canna' ans'er."


He pulled his thumb from his mouth.  "They post these questions I
cannot answer.  And they ask for what really happened.  What shall I

"Ignore them," everyone replied.

"But that isn't right!" the boy protested.

"Wimp," Milton muttered to himself.

"Son, remember the creed you took.  Truth is what we determine,
honesty is what we determine, might is right and the sun never sets
on Revisionism."

Tim, wandering by singing 'La Marseillaise', heard the phrase lifted
>from  a British reference and began screaming "Queen-lover!
Queen-lover!" as he ran headfirst through a plate glass window.

The boy looked around, his eyes open for the first time.  "You're
all crazy," he whispered.  "You do not tell the truth."

"Truth is relative..." Ross began to preach.

The boy stood up.  "You are all lying, aren't you?"

There was a murmer among the assembled revisionists and they shifted
nervously around.  Faurisson wandered around with his hands in his
pockets, staring at the ceiling and whistling.  Zuendel focussed his
attention on his model UFO and Hoffman resumed filling his pockets
with bumper stickers to sell on the beach.  They were nice bumber
stickers, proclaiming in big black letters "Stop People From Making
Money off the Holocaust!". And at only two bucks apiece, they were a
great deal.

"That's it isn't it?" the boy yelled angrily.  "I've been made a
fool of because they *are* telling the truth!"

At that moment a car screeched to a halt beside the front door and
three men in trenchcoats jumped out brandishing guns.  "Raven!" one
bellowed, "I want my money!"

"Shit, it's Carto," Cole gasped.

Raven shook his head.  "Not again.  Well, get the camera ready.
We'll blame this one on the ADL."

"We blamed the last one on the ADL."

"Okay, Mossad or something.  I don't care.  Blame it on someone

The boy turned away disgusted as a fistfight broke out among the
Revisionists behind him.  Sighing heavily, he trudged home and
mentally composed the apology he would post tomorrow, his heart
heavy at being decieved by such a bunch of incompetant idiots.  He
turned the corner and disappeared, just as Tim, now stark naked, ran
down the middle of the street screaming "I speaken Deutsche good!  I
speaken Deutsche good!"

Keith Morrison |  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and this    |  beholder thinks you're ugly as sin.

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