Downloaded from http://www.theonion.com/ on April 30, 1997.
     

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   [INLINE]
   [INLINE] _Nussbaum_
   
          SOUTHFIELD, MI--It is an hour past sunset on a brisk Thursday
   night, and, like their brethren around the globe, the Jews of this
   affluent Detroit suburb are gathered in synagogues, busily hatching
   plots for world domination through financial chicanery and media
   influence. But for Seth Nussbaum, it will be just another lonely
   evening.
   
         "For some reason, they've decided to leave me out of the
   worldwide Jewish conspiracy," said Nussbaum, a 34-year-old computer
   programmer. "And I can't say it doesn't hurt."
   
         While his fellow Jews are controlling the flow of billions of
   dollars of international currency and brokering multi million-dollar
   entertainment deals, on this quiet night Nussbaum is making himself a
   frozen pizza and watching _ER_, far removed from any money beyond the
   $28,000 annual salary he receives from his job at Cyntech Industries.
   
         "Who's to say I wouldn't enjoy hoarding a little gold every now
   and then?" he said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "Believe me, I'd
   love to be able to sneak around behind the scenes like the Elders
   of Zion, pulling the strings and holding the real power in society. But
   I guess when it comes to working the Jerusalem-New York-L.A. triangle,
   I just wasn't one of the chosen people."
   
         Unlike millions of other Jews around the world, Nussbaum holds
   no sway over the media, has no powerful friends within the Wall Street
   banking community or the Trilateral Commission, and has never run a
   major Hollywood studio.
   
          In fact, Nussbaum doesn't even own so much as his own
   production company. "Spielberg, Geffen, Ovitz, Eisner,
   Katzenberg--those are the Jews who control Hollywood," Nussbaum said.
   "And there's countless other Jews calling the shots at every level of
   the entertainment industry, from agents to producers to directors. But
   me? I probably couldn't even get the studio backing for a $15 to $20
   million romantic comedy with a mid-level star like Matthew Broderick."
   
         And despite being a regular subscriber to _The New York Times_
   for seven years, Nussbaum has no powerful connections among the Jews
   who own that and every other newspaper in the United States.
   
         "As a left-leaning Jew, I should enjoy vast influence over the
   press. I should be able use the papers and television stations I own to
   forward my biased, liberal Jewish agenda and get Israel-supporting
   Democratic candidates elected to Congress," said Nussbaum, sitting on
   the old futon he uses as a couch. "But somehow, that's just not the
   case."
   
         Spurned by his own kind, Nussbaum has not even been able to gain
   admittance into a secondary world-domination conspiracy like the
   Masons. "They turned down my application," he said, sighing deeply,
   "when they found out I was Jewish. I guess for now I'll just have to
   resign myself to being Seth Nussbaum, computer programmer and powerless
   Jew."
   [INLINE]
   
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